1 month

Today marks 1 month since Eddie died.  Today is no different than May 28th.  It does not hurt any less and is not any easier. 

But life does go on and summer is in full swing for us.  Kade is moving into a new house with Zachary and his roommates this week.  Zachary is preparing for a 1200 mile bike ride from Wyoming to New Mexico from July 15th - August 24th. (I am a liitle nervous about this one),  Then my brother's family is meeting Caryn's family, Mom, boys and me in Colorado for a week.  This is a trip we planned at Christmas when we thought Eddie was cancer free and we are so excited about it.  Life is moving forward... 

I never realized how grief could overtake your whole being.  I watched my mom go through this and I remember thinking all she needs to do is get up.  That seems to be getting harder as the days go by and I am sorry I was not more understanding with Mom.  Throughout Eddie's diagnoses, surgeries, treatments and death my migraines stayed under control but fast forward one month after his death and I have one almost every day, pain in my neck and everything is more severe.  I have heard people talk about this but I have never experienced it first hand.  I am at a loss on what to do to make it better.  Mentally, I think I am coming along, good and bad days.  Physically, I am struggling.  I have tried massages, chiropractor, meds and nothing seems to work.  Every part of my neck and head hurt almost 24/7.  Truly relaxing is a daily struggle.  I would love to stay home and sleep but I won't let myself do it.  For me, part of moving forward is getting up everyday just like always, making plans and doing the small things.  I know the day is coming when my body will say enough...no more.  All of the meds that I take wreck me emotionally as well as physically.  So I am working on letting myself heal, mentally and physically as well as allowing myself to grieve and giving myself permission to have bad days and stay home if I need too.

I know that part of the problem is this weekend coming up.  It is a hard one for me.  Eddie and I always surrounded ourselves with the boys friends on the 4th of July, hung out at the house and relaxed.  Last year, this was the weekend Eddie started feeling bad and on July 6th our whole world changed. I remember how normal our weekend was before and how crazy the following week was.  I am so thankful for the symptoms that he had and that he did not make the trip to Haiti with our youth group and that we got 11 months but at the same time, I hate that we only got 11 months.  

So I am focusing on surviving 1 month and 1 day without Eddie.  Thanks for reading and loving us.
Susan