I have had some really good days this past week, physically and mentally. But with grief it can come out of no where, taking your breath away, causing physical pain and overtaking your whole day. I sometimes feel like I am loosing my mind and it takes everything I have to crawl out of bed and face the day. I do most of my grieving when I am alone. People continue to check up on me. They ask how I am, they call, they text and most of the time when I answer I really am doing good and then some days...well I am just not. Each day, I find that God is good and faithful. He has kept his promise to carry me when I cannot walk. And I am learning that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be and that is only with Gods grace.
The boys and I picked out and ordered the headstone for the cemetery last week. Now let me tell you, if you want a reality check, approve a marker that has your name on if for a grave. It hit me pretty hard to see that. I am not saying this has not felt real but that sure made it all come back in a rush of black clouds. So I took some advise and went all in on my grief. I gave myself a day for just me. I gave myself permission to feel it all or feel nothing whichever fit in that moment. I shut out the world and spent time doing nothing, stayed in my pjs and slept. And you know what? I found out that the world did not stop, I did not stay in the despair and I began to heal just a little bit. 1 step forward...2 steps back but continuing to take that 1 step forward is important.
I am working really hard on putting myself, Zachary and Kade first, finding joy in each day and learning to navigate all the things that Eddie spoiled me with by taking care of. Eddie and I worked really hard to make our home a sanctuary for our family as well as other people. And soooo, I spent last Friday doing what I love and cooked for a few of my people. We sure missed Zachary but I sent him pictures of the food which went over really well. Ha Ha When all you are eating is pasta and grains seeing a home cooked meal is jut plain mean but at least he knew we missed him.
If you did not know, Zachary is on a 1000 mile bike ride from Wyoming to New Mexico writing his own story. This trip is physically, mentally and emotionally hard for him but it is what he needed to do and I love that he was brave enough to take it on. It is one of the hardest things for me not to have him here but time is moving along and he will be home just in time for our big family vacation with my family. My brother, sister and me had decided to plan a trip for my mom last Christmas. It will be the first time we are all together in a long time. Most everyone will get to be there we hope. It will be just what everyone needs after this past year. We have all had a rough year. So getting together to love on each other and heal is just what we all need.
Kade and I are holding down the fort here at home. He is being a good sport and allowing me to hover more than normal and I love him for that.
I ask you to find joy in each day and don't sweat the small things. Give God the glory and love on those you hold close.
If I have learned anything over the last year it is to not live by fear but in the moment. Some of my earliest memories are of being so shy it hurt. I remember feeling pain from the fear that came with being afraid. I was that child who hid behind my parents and cried if someone spoke to me. I was not always comfortable in my own skin and usually felt better if the attention was not on me. Now if I knew people and felt comfortable around them then I usually found myself in the middle of everything. I have always been comfortable running things from the sidelines and letting others have the spotlight. I am a doer. I like to do things for others rarely needing conformation just glad to help others do better.
Eddie and I were determined to not let our boys grow up insecure. We did not want them to feel the same pain I felt. We wanted to make them confident and comfortable going out into the world, living life and exploring all God's amazing creations. But in the same sense we wanted them to know how important family is and being present in each others lives is one of the greatest gifts you can give and receive even if you are not in the same place. We have to make an effort because time can get away from us.
Everyone grieves and heals in different ways. Some need the comfort of home, some may need to surround themselves with good friends and some may need to ride a bike 1000 miles through the mountains all while finding his way back home.
It is not easy to watch your child leave for a month and a half but knowing that having him stay would be the worst thing for him, makes it easier. Trusting him and his 3 good friends to take care of each other is not easy thing for this mom but I am confident that God will watch over them, keep them safe and bring them home better than they left. It is still hard to send him off knowing that the road he will travel, physically and emotionally, will be brutal but so worth it.
Sometimes, staying here and embracing your pain can be just as brave as venturing out into the world. We all find our way in our own time and in our own way. All I can do is say, "Zachary and Kade" live boldly and always find your way home. I love you both!
Thanks for listening,
Anyone that knows me or has been around my family, knows that I am a "crier". I cry when I am happy, sad, sentimental or just because. The boys always roll their eyes and smile when it happens and Eddie used to take it all in stride. Having that release has been helped but the past couple of weeks I noticed that as life moved forward the tears did not come as often, which is good and bad. I have found myself moving along each day without feeling much. I am the type of person who does what needs to be done and what is expected. An example of this would be that I came to work 1 day after Eddie died to do my End of Month reports, not because my company expected it but because I expected it. I go to work because what else am I going to do. In my mind, I should go to work because what kind of a person calls in because they are sad? What kind of a person would I be if I sat on my couch and did nothing because a part of me is missing and I don't know how to move? What kind of person would I be if I allowed myself to feel EVERYTHING?
I was told this week by our grief counselor that this makes her sad for me. I have been told that I need to allow myself to feel the grief, to be all in my grief. If I am sad, be sad. If I am angry, be angry. If I need to hide away from the world, do it. Don't wallow but do allow myself to feel, which will allow me to heal. I am not sure I am ready time will tell. Sofor today...I choose to be happy and maybe tomorrow I will choose to be sad, who knows.
Okay, I am going to try and post something positive and upbeat because even I am sick of me. That is one of the drawbacks to suddenly being alone, no one to talk too and no one to call you out and say that is enough. I guess one of the things I want you to know is that even when I am in the dark debts of grief, I see my blessings in our boys, in my family and in the wonderfully faithful friends.
As a parent you always hope you are raising good people, who love the Lord and respect others and I can say with great confidence that Eddie and I have raised GOOD PEOPLE. Our boys have shown so much grace and love throughout the crappy cards they were dealt and we are so proud of them. They are learning to move forward in our new normal and write their own story. I am excited for their futures and all that they are doing. God has great plans for these two.
For any parent, a right of passage is an Empty Nest. We should want that for our kids and ourselves. It is part of growing up and moving on. Well, that happened this week in our house. It is hard on all of us but it is something Eddie and I have wanted for Kade for a long time. The timing just stinks and yes I have cried but really there would never have be an easier time even if Eddie was here. I would never ask either of the boys to stay home. The end goal has always been for them to move out and live their lives and experience the world. So that is what I want them to do, find a way to love life again and have happy moments.
Zachary and Kade, you are two of my GREATEST blessings that allow me to push through the darkness. I love you both more than you know. Be happy and live life...
Everyone, be safe this weekend!