It has been a couple of weeks since my last post and I kinda left you all hanging. Sorry about that but the words just would not come.
A little update, I did make it to Dallas and back without any trouble. The drive down was just like I thought it would be, hard. The memories came hard and fast and I cried the whole way there. I immersed myself in the grief and I healed a little along the way. I am so glad I went. Thanks for the encouragement, prayers and love.
We are down to days and Zachary will be back home. We will have survived 41 days of him being gone. I am so proud of him for making this bike ride and super excited for him to get home. Kade has been a blessing and my rock over the last 6 weeks. So thankful for him and all he has done to help since Zachary has been gone.
Our family has a lot of plans for the next couple of months. The first and most important thing will be my brother and sisters are taking most of our kids on a family vacation with my mom for the very first time. It will be good for all of us to be together and love on each other.
Second, when we get back, I will be starting a new workout program. Anyone who knows me, knows I hate to workout and sweat! Honestly, I am excited about this. I am joining with some really good people and friends so it should be fun.
Third, the boys and I have a trip planned to a part of the country we have never been too and cannot wait to explore. This one will be stepping WAY outside of my comfort zone but we are excited. It is how I have decided to spend mine and Eddie's anniversary.
Fourth, I have a birthday trip planned with one of my most favorite people in the world.
After that the holidays will roll around. I know they will be hard but honestly I love the holidays so we will make the most of it and make our way through. Exciting months ahead!
"It was only a Dog!"
But after 12 years, they are a part of the family. I watched Mogey watch over Eddie the last year. I watched him lay beside Eddie in the final days. I watched him mourn Eddie after his death. And, I have watched him look for Eddie everyday for the past 3 months.
This past year we have had to say goodbye to 2 of our dogs at times when our loss was already overpowering. We have had to make the decision to end the suffering which is hard to do when you are already broken. It took me weeks to make the decision.
Mogey was one of those dogs that was easy. I never had to put him on a leash because he would stay right with me. He had free rain of the house because it was rare for him to have an accident. He was low energy and loved to lay beside you. So yes, Mogey was just a dog but he was our dog just like we were his people.
I grew up on a farm where dogs roamed free so they did not always last long. If we lost one, we usually got another dog pretty quick. This is one of the reasons I got Lucy after Eddie died because I knew that having no dog was not an option. I could not bear the thought of coming home to an empty house.
So for now, it is just me and Lucy but we are on the lookout for our Ricky or Ethel to join our family. I think it will be funny to name our next one, one of these names. It makes me laugh.
Go out and be great today! Love your family, fur babies and friends!
Thanks for loving me so well,
I will warn you...this one is heavy and hard to write so stop now if you need too.
This week has been exceptional hard, not sure what is different but I feel the loss of Eddie with every breath. I re-live the past year with every waking hour. I long to go back in time, to cherish the days even more than I did and to change the ending.
But unfortunately, life isn't that way. I want to be brave and live life as best as I can and make Eddie and my boys proud but moving forward is a challenge. I am going to attempt to get out of town this weekend and visit some family. The problem I have is that the last time I drove these roads I was driving Eddie home. We both knew it would be the last time we travelled together, the last time he saw the West Texas sky, the last time we would hold hands as we drove for hours. Most importantly, We both knew I was driving him home to die. We did not speak about it but we knew our time was limited. We weren't going to get our magical healing this side of heaven so we just drove both lost in our own pain.
My heart breaks thinking about making this trip. I am not sure If I am ready to do it but I am going to try. I may only make it to the edge of town but I am going to try and if I fail I will try again another day.
Over the past year we made multiple trips to and from Dallas and each one was emotional and life changing. This trip will be no different. Kade can't go with me and I know there are others that would gladly ride along but I have many reasons for wanting to take this journey by myself. The biggest reason is that I refuse to let fear and grief rule my life. Eddie would not be pleased that I am doing this by myself but he would understand.
Learning to do these kinds of things will give my boys the freedom and the comfort to know that I am going to be ok. It will help them move forward with their dreams.
So as you start your weekend, do something for yourself, be brave, make memories and cherish the ones you love.