I will warn you...this one is heavy and hard to write so stop now if you need too.
This week has been exceptional hard, not sure what is different but I feel the loss of Eddie with every breath. I re-live the past year with every waking hour. I long to go back in time, to cherish the days even more than I did and to change the ending.
But unfortunately, life isn't that way. I want to be brave and live life as best as I can and make Eddie and my boys proud but moving forward is a challenge. I am going to attempt to get out of town this weekend and visit some family. The problem I have is that the last time I drove these roads I was driving Eddie home. We both knew it would be the last time we travelled together, the last time he saw the West Texas sky, the last time we would hold hands as we drove for hours. Most importantly, We both knew I was driving him home to die. We did not speak about it but we knew our time was limited. We weren't going to get our magical healing this side of heaven so we just drove both lost in our own pain.
My heart breaks thinking about making this trip. I am not sure If I am ready to do it but I am going to try. I may only make it to the edge of town but I am going to try and if I fail I will try again another day.
Over the past year we made multiple trips to and from Dallas and each one was emotional and life changing. This trip will be no different. Kade can't go with me and I know there are others that would gladly ride along but I have many reasons for wanting to take this journey by myself. The biggest reason is that I refuse to let fear and grief rule my life. Eddie would not be pleased that I am doing this by myself but he would understand.
Learning to do these kinds of things will give my boys the freedom and the comfort to know that I am going to be ok. It will help them move forward with their dreams.
So as you start your weekend, do something for yourself, be brave, make memories and cherish the ones you love.