I will warn you...this one is heavy and hard to write so stop now if you need too.
This week has been exceptional hard, not sure what is different but I feel the loss of Eddie with every breath. I re-live the past year with every waking hour. I long to go back in time, to cherish the days even more than I did and to change the ending. But unfortunately, life isn't that way. I want to be brave and live life as best as I can and make Eddie and my boys proud but moving forward is a challenge. I am going to attempt to get out of town this weekend and visit some family. The problem I have is that the last time I drove these roads I was driving Eddie home. We both knew it would be the last time we travelled together, the last time he saw the West Texas sky, the last time we would hold hands as we drove for hours. Most importantly, We both knew I was driving him home to die. We did not speak about it but we knew our time was limited. We weren't going to get our magical healing this side of heaven so we just drove both lost in our own pain. My heart breaks thinking about making this trip. I am not sure If I am ready to do it but I am going to try. I may only make it to the edge of town but I am going to try and if I fail I will try again another day. Over the past year we made multiple trips to and from Dallas and each one was emotional and life changing. This trip will be no different. Kade can't go with me and I know there are others that would gladly ride along but I have many reasons for wanting to take this journey by myself. The biggest reason is that I refuse to let fear and grief rule my life. Eddie would not be pleased that I am doing this by myself but he would understand. Learning to do these kinds of things will give my boys the freedom and the comfort to know that I am going to be ok. It will help them move forward with their dreams. So as you start your weekend, do something for yourself, be brave, make memories and cherish the ones you love. Susan
7 Comments
Rebecca Ramos
8/4/2016 10:37:24 am
Praying for you sweet lady. Your steps, although, one at a time, are amazing. Eddie is watching over you and very proud of you.
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Kathy Roquemore
8/4/2016 11:13:38 am
You, my friend, are so much stronger than you feel and so much more inspirational than you could ever, ever imagine. You have changed me, my life and my insight by following your path and seeing what a true example of Christianity is. That doesn't mean there will not be weak times, angry times, can't breathe due to sorrow times. It does mean that God picked the perfect instrument to change peoples' lives and be a role model of the greatest example of faith. You will never know how proud of you I am and how incredibly blessed and honored I am to call you my friend. Daily prayers for you and your family dear Susan. You are very loved!!
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Dana Drake
8/4/2016 11:15:45 am
You are brave and I have a good feeling that you will make the journey. I have been following your posts so closely for almost a year now. Never saying much but putting you and your family and my thoughts daily. Carry on my brave friend we are all in your cheering section.
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Joetta Turner
8/4/2016 11:34:50 am
Prayers for u as u travel! Even though Eddie isn't here in person, he is in spirit & will be with u always.
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Teresa
8/4/2016 05:42:06 pm
I can't wait to see you! I know it will be a hard trip filled with memories and sadness. Just remember the same God holding Eddie's hand will be riding with you to give you strength, love, and support. I love you Susan.
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Jo
8/4/2016 07:12:51 pm
Love you... Try and remember the fun trips also. Like when mom spilled her 44 size of Diet Coke in the floorboard. Caryn took the corner to fast. Oh yes remember the pumpkin cake that was so yummy. We 6 will be with you also. No matter how long it takes. Lots of love
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Judy
8/4/2016 09:05:36 pm
Susan, you are so brave and so strong. As you travel please know you are not alone. I love you so dearly.
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