I find myself longing for one more connection, one more touch, one more kiss, one more hug, one more breath, just one more of everything. I have never been the kind of person who longs to be alone or the kind of person who wants time away from my family. I love being surrounded by people and to feel needed. I love having a purpose and a way to serve others. But, when you loose someone, especially after an illness, the quiet, the stillness, the need to do something and to be needed is overpowering.
I lost my identity on the morning of May 28th. I no longer belonged. I became a widow instead of a wife, single instead of a couple, a single parent instead of co-parent and a party of 3 instead of 4. I have noticed that no matter where we go out to eat, there is always an empty seat, Eddie is always missing because you don't find a table for 3 or a table for 1. The seat next to me in the car, that I used to occupy, now sits empty. The moment the lights go out at night I no longer hear "Are you through pulling the covers?" or "Can you move over a little bit more so I am not falling off the bed?" I just hear silence... For 25 years that was our nightly conversation. Laundry for one person is stupid. Cooking a meal is too much so I either don't eat, eat junk or pick something up. Calling people to make plans to eat is overwhelming. Simple task take extreme energy because you are doing everything that 2 people used to do. Every decision falls on your now.
In my case, life was easier the month following Eddie's death. To be honest, I was probably in shock and I was needed to make decisions and plans. But as life moves forward I find reality setting in and the despair is greater. Most days I make a conscious decision to live or at least fake it because lets face it, life moves on for everyone. It has been 3 months since I last held Eddie's hand, 3 months since I last felt his heartbeat, 3 months since I was a wife and 3 months since I belonged somewhere.
Life can seem overwhelming. Life can seem like you are pulled in every direction. Life can seem like there are not enough hours in the day. And life can see loud. THEN...Life seems overwhelming but in a totally different way. You find yourself doing the pulling just to have connections. And now there are too many hours in the day and it is way too quiet.
Love your people and be grateful for those loud moments...quiet is not all it is cracked up to be!