Anyone that knows me or has been around my family, knows that I am a "crier". I cry when I am happy, sad, sentimental or just because. The boys always roll their eyes and smile when it happens and Eddie used to take it all in stride. Having that release has been helped but the past couple of weeks I noticed that as life moved forward the tears did not come as often, which is good and bad. I have found myself moving along each day without feeling much. I am the type of person who does what needs to be done and what is expected. An example of this would be that I came to work 1 day after Eddie died to do my End of Month reports, not because my company expected it but because I expected it. I go to work because what else am I going to do. In my mind, I should go to work because what kind of a person calls in because they are sad? What kind of a person would I be if I sat on my couch and did nothing because a part of me is missing and I don't know how to move? What kind of person would I be if I allowed myself to feel EVERYTHING?
I was told this week by our grief counselor that this makes her sad for me. I have been told that I need to allow myself to feel the grief, to be all in my grief. If I am sad, be sad. If I am angry, be angry. If I need to hide away from the world, do it. Don't wallow but do allow myself to feel, which will allow me to heal. I am not sure I am ready time will tell. Sofor today...I choose to be happy and maybe tomorrow I will choose to be sad, who knows.
Okay, I am going to try and post something positive and upbeat because even I am sick of me. That is one of the drawbacks to suddenly being alone, no one to talk too and no one to call you out and say that is enough. I guess one of the things I want you to know is that even when I am in the dark debts of grief, I see my blessings in our boys, in my family and in the wonderfully faithful friends.
As a parent you always hope you are raising good people, who love the Lord and respect others and I can say with great confidence that Eddie and I have raised GOOD PEOPLE. Our boys have shown so much grace and love throughout the crappy cards they were dealt and we are so proud of them. They are learning to move forward in our new normal and write their own story. I am excited for their futures and all that they are doing. God has great plans for these two.
For any parent, a right of passage is an Empty Nest. We should want that for our kids and ourselves. It is part of growing up and moving on. Well, that happened this week in our house. It is hard on all of us but it is something Eddie and I have wanted for Kade for a long time. The timing just stinks and yes I have cried but really there would never have be an easier time even if Eddie was here. I would never ask either of the boys to stay home. The end goal has always been for them to move out and live their lives and experience the world. So that is what I want them to do, find a way to love life again and have happy moments.
Zachary and Kade, you are two of my GREATEST blessings that allow me to push through the darkness. I love you both more than you know. Be happy and live life...
Everyone, be safe this weekend!