I have had some really good days this past week, physically and mentally. But with grief it can come out of no where, taking your breath away, causing physical pain and overtaking your whole day. I sometimes feel like I am loosing my mind and it takes everything I have to crawl out of bed and face the day. I do most of my grieving when I am alone. People continue to check up on me. They ask how I am, they call, they text and most of the time when I answer I really am doing good and then some days...well I am just not. Each day, I find that God is good and faithful. He has kept his promise to carry me when I cannot walk. And I am learning that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be and that is only with Gods grace.
The boys and I picked out and ordered the headstone for the cemetery last week. Now let me tell you, if you want a reality check, approve a marker that has your name on if for a grave. It hit me pretty hard to see that. I am not saying this has not felt real but that sure made it all come back in a rush of black clouds. So I took some advise and went all in on my grief. I gave myself a day for just me. I gave myself permission to feel it all or feel nothing whichever fit in that moment. I shut out the world and spent time doing nothing, stayed in my pjs and slept. And you know what? I found out that the world did not stop, I did not stay in the despair and I began to heal just a little bit. 1 step forward...2 steps back but continuing to take that 1 step forward is important.
I am working really hard on putting myself, Zachary and Kade first, finding joy in each day and learning to navigate all the things that Eddie spoiled me with by taking care of. Eddie and I worked really hard to make our home a sanctuary for our family as well as other people. And soooo, I spent last Friday doing what I love and cooked for a few of my people. We sure missed Zachary but I sent him pictures of the food which went over really well. Ha Ha When all you are eating is pasta and grains seeing a home cooked meal is jut plain mean but at least he knew we missed him.
If you did not know, Zachary is on a 1000 mile bike ride from Wyoming to New Mexico writing his own story. This trip is physically, mentally and emotionally hard for him but it is what he needed to do and I love that he was brave enough to take it on. It is one of the hardest things for me not to have him here but time is moving along and he will be home just in time for our big family vacation with my family. My brother, sister and me had decided to plan a trip for my mom last Christmas. It will be the first time we are all together in a long time. Most everyone will get to be there we hope. It will be just what everyone needs after this past year. We have all had a rough year. So getting together to love on each other and heal is just what we all need.
Kade and I are holding down the fort here at home. He is being a good sport and allowing me to hover more than normal and I love him for that.
I ask you to find joy in each day and don't sweat the small things. Give God the glory and love on those you hold close.