July 3, 2015 will forever be the last day of our life before cancer, the last day of our life that was perfect for us and the last day that we were your typical family just living life the best way we could. We were still planning for tomorrow and a future that we would never have. Oh how I wish for that day back.
July 4th was always a time Eddie and I loved, not because of the holiday but because of our boys and their friends. We would cook for them, hang out with them and then go to bed early while they hung out and shot off fireworks. Eddie would get up to make sure they had buckets of water just in case the grass caught on fire(which it did once) and he would lecture all of them on the proper way to clean up the street. I know all of the kids heard that talk more than once but they always came back, year after year.
This year will be a weekend of relaxing, sleeping and a lot of nothing. My heart has hurt more in the last couple of weeks and breathing has been hard, BUT, I am so blessed. My boys are healthy and happy, Mom has come home and is settling in, Caryn and I have almost finished with cleaning out their duplex and we have found the most wonderful lady to stay with mom during the day. Lots to be thankful for!! We were so busy during June that I find myself wanting to sit and do nothing and I find comfort in solitude. Kade has been gone most of the month of June and that is always harder on me.
The "What if", "If only we had" and "We should of" games are playing over and over in my heart and head. It is a struggle to make sense of the unthinkable. I want to believe that I would not change anything and that I did the best I could but who knows because the ending was always going to be the same. I have come to realize that when you pray for a miracle, you cannot complain when God's miracle does not match ours. Even though the tears fall more frequently, I continue to find strength in the quiet whispers from God. Learning to take the moments I need has been hard but I am trying. Giving myself the forgiveness and grace I give others is a challenge. I fail at this daily so God and I are working on it.
They say the 2nd year is harder than the year of first and I believe it will be. I was so focused on surviving that I found myself lost in the here and now during this past year. Now, I find myself longing for a time that will never be again and wondering if I will ever feel like myself.
Grace and peace to each of you