My new life...
I wrote this and posted on my FB page last week and wanted to share on here.
I have been asked to continue sharing some of my thoughts as I continue my journey through this "new" life. I never asked to walk the path I am on but most people rarely do. Learning to live without Eddie is challenging and quiet honestly not something I am very good at. Since our first date we have been pretty much together except when we were at work and even then we talked or texted multiple times a day. That is one of the most challenging things right now for all of me.
Our family has been blessed in so many unexpected ways during the 10-month journey. People have showered us with God’s love, mercy and grace. One of the most beautiful things happened every night during our last week with Eddie. Our boy’s friends showed up every single night for 6 or 7 days to sit on our back porch and love on us. They sang, worshiped, played games, talked, helped us eat the huge amount of food we had, took the trash out and basically just showed up to do whatever we needed and to just be present for us. Some nights there were more and some nights it was a certain group of guys that came every single night. I also had a friend that showed up even when I told her to stay home. She left her family and job to be with us, to love us. There were so many others who came and went quietly with hugs or supplies during our darkest hours. And they are still showing up quietly just to make sure we are ok.
For the most part, Eddie and I lived quiet lives with our boys. Loving on each other and showing up to love on others. No grand gestures but showing up when we could. I never really understood what that could mean to someone until now. So I say thank you for continuing to show up through calls, text or person.
As the hours turn into days, days turn into months and months turn into years we will always remember what you have done. But life does go on and I am making a conscious effort to make new memories and I am not waiting on some day to do that. I am planning trips with my boys, my family and my friends. Each trip will be hard in its own way but they are needed steps to heal even if the scab keeps getting ripped off time after time. I am learning that it is ok to be alone in my grief. People are not going to understand, they can try, but let's be honest...I really pray that they don't. Walking in my shoes is not what I wish on anyone, understanding is not what I want.
Grief is a funny thing. I have talked before about how hard it is to breath sometimes. I find it comes at the most unexpected moments and out of know where. It can be all consuming or a dull ache. Life does not stop for it and sometimes it can be visible and other times you look perfectly normal. I am not an exception to it or an expert, others have come before me and more will come after but I am learning how to live with grief. It is now as much of who I am as any other part of me.
So here is my profound thought for today...Grief can bring you to your knees when you least expect it, which is exactly where God wants us.
I am so thankful for the journey God is allowing me to travel. Knowing how this ends, I would have still chosen to follow the same path with Eddie that lead to our family. Walking beside Eddie and the boys that past 10-months is more than some have. We are blessed to have had that time. We loved each other and held on extra tight, grateful for every minute.
Loving me through this and showing up even when I can't ask is all I can hope for these days for myself and my boys. So I will make plans and get out of bed even when I don't want too. I may not ever get used to this but I am going to try. May you feel God's grace today and may you give it just as freely...Susan
6/16/2016 07:12:50 am
I so understand what you have written. I will tell you that it gets easier but 25 years later for me things can still bring me to my knees. 25 years later, I still remember things that were said, the wonderful people that helped get us through, incidents that happened, conversations with doctors--so long ago but sometimes seems like yesterday. This will not define you but will leave a mark on you as a person that no one can understand until they have gone through the tunnel and come out on the other side. I love you and know that you and the boys will be ok! Thank God for memories and good friends!
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Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend...Widow