Questions not asked, Answers not heard, Always is what I miss the most
Now this is a tough one to say out loud because I am exposing my deepest fears. These past few weeks I have been struggling with the feeling that I left Eddie alone to deal with the emotions of his illness. I have wondered if he felt it too. Like the things we did not talk about because they were too hard or we knew it would cause pain. The things we sugar coated because it was easier. Maybe it was a defense mechanism or maybe it was us being selfish or maybe it was just us living the best we could with the cards we were dealt. Or, maybe just maybe we did talk about the important things rather than the things we could not change. I will never know this side of heaven but it still hurts.
There is no answer that can bring comfort when there is only one of us left. I have a lot of shame that comes with these unanswered questions. Working through that is tough, admitting that you let your husband, your kids and yourself down is not an easy thing to do. I find it hard to like the person I see in the mirror and to not focus on the negative because the only constant I have to fall back on is that Eddie knew without a shadow of doubt how much I loved him and I knew how much he loved me. Hopefully with time that will be enough.
I saw the picture above where two oceans meet but do not mix and it was a perfect depiction of my life at different stages. One side was clear, calm and blue and the other was a cloudy, turbulent and green color, both beautiful in their own way but each so different. I can pick out times in my life where there were distinct meetings of two oceans, turning points where I felt cloudy then clear or clear then cloudy. It can be hard to take the leap into the unknown but I try to remember that both oceans were made by God therefore he walks on both sides with me.
Whenever I travel for long distances it always brings back the memory of our last drive home from Dallas. I remember how Eddie looked out the window taking in everything, memorizing the things he would never see again. It taught me to put my book down and look out the window, to really see God's beautiful work. I try to see the world as Eddie saw it that day and to enjoy it.
Being in the mountains with my boys was hard but so renewing to my spirit. I tried to remember to be in the moment and not get caught up in the past or the could've. I have found myself being more brave. I try new things for myself as well as the boys because it is what we all need. I don't want to waste our time because it is precious.
ALWAYS is what I miss!
The first time I read this was like a lightening bolt. This speaks deep into my soul. I have never felt completely comfortable with any description until I read this. I miss everything but I miss ALWAYS the most. ALWAYS having a hand to hold, arms to hug, shoulders to lean on. ALWAYS having someone to plan with, to do life with, to argue with. ALWAYS feeling like you were enough or not enough with, share fears with, joys with. ALWAYS having someone to laugh with, cry with, be with. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS...
I was lucky enough to find my ALWAYS and to share two great boys (that have become great men) with and I will ALWAYS be grateful to God for this.
Looking at myself in the mirror and finding someone that I not only like but love is proving to be tough at this stage. Finding forgiveness for myself as well as from Eddie will give me peace, I just don't know how to do that. So I am learning to cherish the good and peaceful moments even though they are far and few, hanging on tight to my support system and focusing on living the best life I can each day.
Grace and Love to all