sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, distress, heartache, heartbreak, agony, torment, affliction, suffering, woe,
desolation, dejection, despair
These are word that you will find when looking up Grief. Sure grief is all of these things but it is also so much more.
Look at my picture. This is what grief looks like...
It is my best friend and worst enemy.
It is the joy I find in each day as well as the gut wrenching sorrow I carry with me.
It is the love that I feel as well as the love that I have lost.
It is 24 years of memories as well as today and every tomorrow to come.
It is my life.
Living with grief is the most exhausting thing I have every felt. Yet, living without it would mean living without Eddie and our boys. It would mean living without my my dad, my grandparents, my friends. It would mean living without me!
Most days I can put a smile on my face and pretend long enough that it is a good day but if you ever look into my eyes and my heart, I mean really look you can see it. I have not been very good at masking it lately. Everywhere I turn I am smacked in the face with memories, fear, longing and heartbreaking loneliness even in a crowd of people.
I found myself reaching for my phone the other day after a friend stopped by to check on me and he shared some exciting news about a new grand baby. It took my breath away because that has not happened in a while. It seems like the strangest things threaten to pull me under at a moments notice.
But...with that being said, I have had an overwhelming desire to "Praise my blessings from the mountain top!" "To give Glory to God for continuing to show up!" because I get to see how God is working in our lives every day just as I did throughout our journey. He is walking beside our boys, guiding them and healing their hearts. He is sprinkling good Godly people in my life that are showing up and walking beside me. They pray for me and they listen when I need them too. I mean really listen whether it is with words, hugs or just being there. And they always "really" look into my heart no matter how hard it is to see, they always look. If you can be this for someone, it is one of the best gifts you can ever give.
One of my greatest blessings IS my grief. As hard as it is and as much as I wish Eddie was with me, I am thankful for his love. He worked really hard to take care of the boys and me. He began years ago preparing us for this without even knowing it was coming. Eddie was a quiet man who could say more by not saying anything. I told someone the other day that the boys are a lot like Eddie because they can say so much without actually saying anything too. Now this great gift can also be the thorn that causes pain. It can leave others to hear what they want. Trust me when I say, Eddie and I had many discussions regarding this. LOL
I guess what I want to share is the thing I am most thankful for IS my grief because GREAT love comes with that grief.
Be kind to yourself and to others.
Give someone the gift of really looking into their heart.
And, allow love into your life, the reward is so worth it!